Altar Ego Read online

  I turned left and walked until I found myself standing outside the window of a lingerie boutique. I stood outside and stared in for quite some time. I was pondering whether it was worth going in or not. Would Adam appreciate it if I made a little more effort? The mannequins were stick thin with perky boobs and tiny waists, whereas I was on the curvy side and gravity wasn’t as kind to me now that I was over 40.

  The woman inside caught my eye through the window and her smile was so kind I found myself reaching for the door. Once inside I strolled around the rails touching all of the soft satin and lace. I stopped in front of a soft tiffany blue set with grey lace. It was stunning. The suspender belt was deep and would hide a multitude of sins.

  “It’s beautiful isn’t it?” The shop assistant was beside me. “Do you know what size you are?” She asked me. I shook my head. “Come on, let’s get you fitted.”

  She opened a mirrored door at the back of the shop and I followed her in. She measured me expertly and brought in the gorgeous blue set in my size.

  She left me alone to try it on, and I looked at myself in the mirror. I don’t suppose I look bad for my age. I’m not too saggy, and my bottom has kept its shape. I shrugged my shoulders and was just about to take it all off again when there was a gentle knock at the door.

  “How are you getting on?” She called through the door.

  I opened it a touch, and said “I’m not really sure. I...”

  She ducked in through the gap and joined me in the dressing room.

  “Do you want my opinion?” She didn’t actually wait to find out whether I did or not. “It’s lovely on you. The colour sets off your eyes, and it fits perfectly.” She smiled.

  “I’m just....” I started.

  “He will LOVE it.” She interrupted. “And....I have just the thing to go with it.”

  She disappeared off and I quickly took it off and dressed before she came back. I exited the dressing room and took the lingerie to the desk.

  “Oh, I was just bringing you these to have a look at.” She held up stockings, a blindfold in the same gorgeous satin and lace, and some soft wrist restraints.

  I felt myself blush a little, at the thought of the blindfold already in my bag. I pondered over whether I should waste my money...and my time buying them. Though they were absolutely beautiful, and taking a moment to remember looking at my own reflection in the changing room reflection I realised that I appeared to have gained more confidence since putting them on.

  ‘Fuck it.’ I thought. ‘Life is too short.’

  “I’ll take them.” I told her.

  She smiled at me again and started to wrap everything in tissue paper and put it all in a fancy box.

  I paid her and left the shop with a spring in my step. Tonight I was going to show Adam just what he had been missing.

  Chapter 6

  I arrived home to an empty house after a quick trip to the supermarket.

  There was a note on the kitchen table.

  Playing golf.

  Back at 6ish

  Adam x

  Short but sweet. I guess it said all it needed to say. I love you might have been nice though. I shrugged my shoulders and dumped my handbag and the bag with the lingerie in on the floor in front of the cooker. I switched on the kettle and cleaned away Adam’s breakfast things from that morning, before putting the shopping away. I placed the steak on a plate to breathe and popped a net cloche over it.

  When I had made my coffee, I picked it up in one hand and grabbed my bags, before heading upstairs. I ran a deep bubble bath and switched on the radio. It was set to absolute 80’s and I sang along to all manner of songs from my youth whilst I laid out my new lingerie and searched for something else to wear that evening.

  I decided on a Jasper Conran shift dress, it was fitted enough to look sexy, but had room for all my squashy bits. I picked out a pair of navy blue stilettos with a satin bow on the heel and lined them up on the bed.

  I turned the volume up on the radio and undressed, piling my hair up on top of my head in a clip before slipping into the deep silky bubbles. I closed my eyes and laid for ages until I could feel my skin starting to crinkle. I reached over for my watch to check the time. It was just after 4pm and I still had plenty of time. I washed my hair and climbed out of the bath, choosing to air dry rather than wrap myself up in a towel. I caught sight of myself in the mirror as I went into the bedroom. My skin looked healthy and flushed but I guess it would do after having a hot bath. Or was it more to do with this morning I wondered?

  I bit my lip as thoughts of Dominic threatened to take over my mind. I shuddered as I remembered the warmth of his voice in my ear, and the words he had whispered to me.

  I shook myself out of it. None of that mattered. I would NOT be seeing him again.

  I put on a little makeup and dried my hair, opting to wear it down for the evening. I sprayed a little of Adam’s favourite perfume on my neck and began to dress in the lingerie.

  It had been so long since I fastened a pair of suspenders that I struggled for a good ten minutes and was all hot and bothered by the time I had them on and in place. I cursed and swore, reminding myself that this was the reason I didn’t bother anymore. By the time I was all trussed up I felt as though I had little energy left for anything else.

  I slipped the dress over my head and zipped it up. This too was a struggle alone. I would normally ask Adam to do it for me.

  I relied on him for a lot of things actually. A thought crossed my mind that I wouldn’t be able to manage without him as I slipped my feet into the heels. Not that I was considering leaving him of course. He was my husband and I loved him.

  I took a last look at myself in the mirror before heading down the stairs.

  “You will do, Elise.” I told myself.

  I busied myself in the kitchen; I made a garlic and cream sauce with mushrooms for the steak. I chopped and peeled new potatoes and green beans. I prepared smoked salmon strips for a starter and popped them in the fridge, and then I made a chocolate mousse with champagne syllabub for dessert. We had this on our wedding day and we both loved it, so I always made it for special occasions. I frosted the champagne flutes, both for dessert and for the drinks and then at a few minutes before 6pm I popped the steaks in the griddle pan.

  I heard his key in the door just as I lifted his steak out of the pan.

  “Hi Honey I’m home!” He called out, as usual.

  “I’m in the kitchen.” I called back.

  He came through the door and stopped in his tracks.

  “Did I miss something?”” He asked with a look of concern on his face.

  “No. Not at all.” I replied with a smile. “I just wanted to surprise you.”

  He walked across the kitchen to where I was stood. As I lifted the second steak out of the pan he snuck his hands around my waist and kissed my shoulder.

  “Have I time for a shower?” He asked.

  “Nope.” I told him turning to face him and kissed him on the tip of his nose. “Can you grab the bubbly, I will bring our starters.”

  He was quiet throughout dinner. I tried to keep a conversation flowing but it was difficult. It was as if he wasn’t really with me.

  “I will get the dessert.” I stood up and moved away from the table.

  He didn’t even look up at me.

  I took his empty plate from in front of him, and threw it on the side in the kitchen. I opened the fridge to get the dessert and carefully spooned the syllabub onto the soft fluffy mousse. I put the two glasses onto a tray and picked up two long handled spoons. As an afterthought I popped some fresh cherries on the top.

  I moved back into the dining room with the dessert tray and saw Adam with his elbows on the table and his head in his hands. I placed down the tray and stepped back from the table.

  “Adam.” I called his name softly. “Adam, what is it?”

  He looked up at me with tears in his eyes.

  “I can’t do this Elise.” He said.
r />   “Do what?” I asked him.

  I could feel my rage bubbling away inside of me. How dare he? I had really tried this evening to make things right between us, even though I hadn’t been the one in the wrong.

  “I can’t keep pretending that everything is okay.” He said quietly.

  “I think we both know that everything is NOT alright Adam.” I sighed.

  I was unsure of what my next move should be. I wanted to go to him, to make him see that I was still the woman he fell in love with, but at the same time I was petrified that he would reject me once again. I inched closer to him. I waited for him to look at me. To give me some sort of clue.

  “Don’t you want to at least try?” I asked quietly, reaching out and resting my palm gently on his shoulder.

  He shook his head.

  “You don’t deserve this Elise.”

  “What is it Adam? For fucks sake just speak to me!” My patience was dwindling rapidly. We were grownups for crying out loud. Why on earth could he not just talk to me?

  He stood and pushed the chair back from the table with such force that it ricocheted off of the wall behind him. He swore under his breath and stormed out of the room. As he left he turned and said coldly...

  “I love you but I don’t want you. You don’t turn me on anymore and it doesn’t matter how much I pretend that loving you is enough, it isn’t!”...before striding out into the hallway, going into his office and slamming the door behind him.

  I opened my mouth to speak, to shout at him with something. Anything. But nothing came. I was, for once, quite speechless.

  I pushed the chair back under the table, and gathered up the tray with the desserts on. I was in a daze as I went into the kitchen and put the tray down on the side. I looked around at the aftermath of the dinner I had tried so hard with, and the tears started to fall.

  I picked up my car keys and my bag and left the house, not bothering to close the door behind me. I got into my car and started the engine thinking I would just drive for a while to clear my head.

  As I drove, I found myself heading towards the town centre. I parked in one of the little side streets and headed into the first bar I came across. Nobody seemed to notice me walking in. I found an empty stool at the bar and perched on it. The barman approached me with a smile.

  “A bottle of champers please.” I threw my card down on the bar and he picked it up as he placed down an ice bucket. While he was filling the bucket with ice, he charged my card and handed it back. I went to put it in my purse and picked out the card that Dominic had given me. I turned it over in my hand, not expecting to find anything other than the number on the front but looking anyway.

  The barman by now had poured my first glass and I picked up the glass and downed it in one. As I placed the glass back on the bar he instantly refilled it before moving away to serve another customer.

  I picked up my phone and dialled the number. I heard it click as somebody picked up and then I hit the cancel button and threw my phone back into my bag. I scolded myself silently as I downed the second glass, this time not waiting for the barman and refilling it myself. The third glass went down like water, as did the fourth. I was just about to order a second bottle when I felt a hand at my elbow.

  “Why are you here alone?”

  I took a sharp breath in and turned slowly to see him.

  “I’m not alone, you are here.” I replied. My head was a little fuzzy. “Incidentally...why are you here?” I looked up into those steely eyes and waited for him to speak.

  He didn’t say a word, he just held his hand out to me and I stood immediately. He gestured for me to walk in front of him and as I passed him he placed his hand on the back of my hair, putting the slightest amount of pressure on the back of my neck and guided me to the door.

  The car was waiting outside for us. The driver stood holding the door open as Dominic guided me towards it. There was not a hint of happiness on his face, in fact he didn’t even look at either of us as I slid into the seat and Dominic sat down beside me in the back as the driver climbed into the driver’s seat and started the engine. The car rolled smoothly away from the pavement and onto the near empty road.

  After a few minutes of silence I turned to Dominic.

  “What? No blindfold tonight.”

  He didn’t look at me.

  “I have no need for a blindfold tonight Elise. Where we are going is no secret.” He kept staring straight ahead, his face stony and unresponsive.

  I waited a while, just in case he wanted to say anything else. I was used to uncomfortable silences and to be honest, just being in the car with him made me feel safer than I had done all evening.

  “Where are we going then?” I asked him.

  I was willing him to look at me.

  He didn’t.

  Nor did he reply.

  I slumped down in the seat and closed my eyes.

  I don’t know how much time had passed but I was aware of being moved. I opened my eyes dreamily and saw him.

  His face was so close to mine.

  He was just looking at me.

  I was placed down onto a rather sumptuous bed.

  He kissed the tip of my nose and then walked away.

  I was stunned.

  Where the fuck was I? Who did he think he was? How could he be so gruff and unemotional, and then kiss my nose like I was his child or something.

  The man was infuriating.

  But I was too tired, physically and emotionally, and quite frankly, too pissed to give a shit! I closed my eyes again and curled myself up into a ball, letting sleep take over.

  Chapter 7

  I woke up in a darkened room. Someone had removed my shoes, placing them neatly by the bed. They had also taken the time to cover me up with a soft angora throw which was currently wrapped around me creating a soft cocoon in which I was cosy.

  I untangled myself from the throw and got up from the bed before walking over to the window. The curtains were billowing in a gentle breeze and I gazed out over the city. The lights twinkled and it looked stunning from here. Like a perfect miniature model.

  I turned away from the window and crossed the floor to explore my surroundings a little further. I could hear music as I approached the door of the room. It was beautiful, a haunting melody. I recognised it as Schubert. I opened the door and went through it, not really knowing which direction to head in. So I just followed the sound of the music.

  I turned into a beautiful spacious room with polished wood floors and a full wall of floor to ceiling windows. By the window there was a baby Grand piano, and there on the stool was Dominic. He didn’t see me come in. He had his back to me. His sleeves were rolled up and I watched him as he played. His fingers danced across the keys and each and every muscle across his shoulders was contracting and flexing as he played, his shirt stretching across his skin.

  I moved a few steps closer.

  As I approached him he suddenly stopped playing.

  “You are awake.” It was a statement rather than a question and he spoke without turning his head.

  “You should keep playing. It’s beautiful.” I told him.

  Still he didn’t turn.

  “It’s Schubert.” He said.

  “Yes, I know.” I replied moving closer to him. “Serenade. I recognised it.”

  I took another step.

  “Don’t come any closer Elise.”

  My heart fell, but I moved a step nearer anyway.

  “Why won’t you turn around?” I asked.

  “It’s for the best.” He said.

  He stood and moved to the window.

  “The view is incredible.” I said.

  I moved nearer still. All of my senses were screaming at me to get out of there. To do exactly as he was telling me. But I couldn’t. I felt a draw to him like I had never known before. As I got to him I lifted my hand and reached out to touch his shoulder. He spun round suddenly and grabbed me by the wrist. He held on to it tightly as he growled at
me.

  “I told you not to come any closer.”

  I looked deep into his eyes.

  “Why? ...What are you afraid of?” I asked him.

  I moved my gaze to his mouth. He had the fullest lips I had ever seen on a man and I wanted to kiss them. I had an urge to feel his mouth on mine. I needed to be covered by his kiss and to be consumed by him.

  “It’s not me who should be afraid Elise.” He snarled and yanked me towards him. “It’s you!” In one swift movement I was pressed up against his chest and he crashed his mouth down on to mine. The blood was coursing through my veins, my heart racing as he probed my mouth with his tongue.

  He still had a grasp on my wrist and it was starting to hurt. I tried to move my arm a little, just to relieve the pressure a touch whilst responding to his kiss like my life depended on it.

  “Don’t fight me Elise.” He groaned into my mouth.

  He moved his hand...and mine and turned my body away from his. He nipped at my neck as he took my other hand and held both of my wrists together. He pushed me towards the huge windows and pressed my hands against the glass above my head.

  “I tried to warn you.” He whispered into my ear.

  “What exactly were you warning me about?” I asked. My breathing was heavy and laboured. My chest visibly rising and falling with every breath I took.

  “If you don’t do as I tell you Elise, then you give me free reign to do whatever I want.”

  He clamped his teeth down into my neck and I moaned and pressed back against him. I felt a little whimper catch in my throat as he tightened his hold on my wrists, and I could feel the condensation on the glass underneath my hands already. He responded by pushing his groin into me from behind.

  “I love that noise.” He said. “Let’s see if we can get you to make it some more.”

  He trailed his hand down my spine and between my bottom cheeks moving between my legs and cupping my pubic mound tightly in his grasp.

  He held onto me as I gyrated against his palm. I struggled to release my hands from the window pane, which only encouraged him to hold me tighter.