Altar Ego Read online

  Altar Ego

  By

  Sam McCarthy

  Copyright ©2015 Sam McCarthy

  E-book edition

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including but not limited to: photocopying, recording or other electronical or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non commercial uses permitted by law.

  For permission requests, write to the author at

  [email protected]

  This is a work of fiction.

  Any resemblance to persons either living or deceased is purely coincidental.

  Names, places and characters are figments of the author’s imagination, or if real, used in a fictitious sense.

  The author recognises all the trademarks and copyrights of any registered products and/ or companies mentioned within this work of fiction.

  All rights reserved.

  Acknowledgements

  I want to take the time to say thank you to the people who have pretty much been a constant in my life.

  You all know who you are, you have put up with me constantly wittering on about my characters, trying out storylines on you, and generally being a pain in the proverbial.

  To my ‘real life’ friends. You listen to me all the time, day or night. You have put up with me being a bit of a hermit and not coming out of my writing hole for weeks and weeks on end, and thus generally ignoring you.

  My children have had to cope with the house just getting more and more messy, junk food being placed in front of them, and pretty much having to entertain themselves the entire of the summer holidays while Mummy was busy.

  To all of my facebook friends who have not complained once at the amount of teasers and little clues they have been seeing on their feeds for the last six months. Who have just ignored me when I’m probably driving them insane.

  To McCarthy’s angels. I have been missing in action for quite some time recently, but you are still always there. I adore each and every one of you and thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support.

  My readers. One day I hope I can give each and every one of you something back for your support. Your reviews and your kind words mean the world to me, and I love getting messages from you. Thank you for reading my stories.

  To my little one. Who keeps me sane. Who keeps me grounded. Who makes me smile when everything seems so awful, no matter what she herself is going through. You have been my constant throughout our publishing journey, and it’s one that I hope will continue for years and years to come.

  And finally, my husband. You really do get it all. You put up with so much rubbish from me while I’m writing and yet you still support me. You give me the courage to continue day after day when sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and give up. But above all, you give the most fabulous hugs and sometimes....that is all that is needed.

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Epilogue

  You must listen to your heart and follow it. Or it will find a million ways to remind you that there is something missing.

  Chapter 1

  I dropped the shopping bags on the kitchen floor and dash for the phone. I could hear it ringing from outside. It will be Ellie. She always rings on Friday lunchtimes. Her lectures are done for the day and she calls before she goes off to enjoy her weekend.

  I get to the phone just as she gives up.

  Damn! I will have to wait now. She might ring back.

  I keep the phone close by while I unpack the bags. I line everything up on the worktop and put the bags away. I keep myself busy sorting it out into sections for the cupboard, the fridge and the freezer. I have done the same thing every Friday for the last twenty two years and I could do it with my eyes shut.

  I leave the salmon out. We always have fish on Fridays.

  It doesn’t matter how many times I look at the telephone, it remains silent. I miss her.

  I flick the kettle on and spoon instant coffee into a large mug. I move the phone to the counter near the door and light a cigarette. I should give up really. I have been saying that for twenty two years. Come to think of it. I have been doing a lot of things for twenty two years.

  I stub the cigarette out on the wall and throw the end in the bin. I pour the water into the mug and add a dash of cold water before heading for the office.

  The phone rings and I grab the handset from the cradle in the office.

  “Ellie?” I practically shout into the receiver.

  “It’s me.” I can’t help but feel disappointed.

  “Hi.” I speak quietly. “You okay?”

  “Yes, I’m fine... I’m going to be a bit late tonight; I just wanted to let you know.”

  “What time shall I have dinner ready for then?” I asked.

  “Put the salmon in the fridge Elise. I will take you out for dinner.” My husband says.

  “It’s no trouble.” I tell him.

  “I know it isn’t, but I want to take you out.” He continues. “I will be home for seven. I will book a table for 8.30.”

  I hear him having a second conversation with someone else in his office...

  “I have to go sweetheart. I love you.” He says tenderly.

  “I love you too Adam.”

  The phone goes dead in my hand. He has gone already. He has been so busy lately and has been coming home later and later each day. He works late into the night in our home office too. I can’t remember the last time we went up to bed at the same time.

  It’s all part of the plan. See the kids through University and then we can relax. Take time for each other. Enjoy the money we earn.

  I sit down at his desk and nudge the mouse.

  His PC flickers to life and I see his desktop picture. It’s of me. I’m smiling at him and I look young and carefree. Those were the days. I’m not so young now. He took me to Florence for my 40th birthday. We had three days of just us, wandering around the museums and art galleries. We took in the sights and sounds of Florence by day and of each other by night. We rediscovered each other during that break and it felt good, but my self esteem has still suffered as I have aged.

  I check our emails, deleting all the spam and highlighting anything that Adam needs to check and then I open up the recent documents folder to look for the latest phone bill.

  I blink as I stare at the screen in front of me. It takes me a moment to process what I am actually looking at and my mouth hangs open in shock. I can’t quite believe it so I click on one of the file names and there on the screen large as life in front of me is the proof.

  The proof that my husband. Adam. The man who made his vows to me and promised to love me for better for worse, clearly has an issue with that now. The man, who is spending his time alone to get himself off by watching pornographic films, I just sit there, stunned. Taking it all in. How could he?
I feel dazed and a bit sick as the realisation sinks in. He hasn’t been working in here on a night. He has been watching fucking porn and sorting himself out while I, his wife, lay upstairs alone wondering why he doesn’t find me attractive anymore.

  I am still in a daze as I realise the phone is ringing.

  I pick it up as I close down the windows in front of me, and shut down the PC.

  “Hello.” I say tentatively.

  “Mum. You are in!”

  My shoulders relax as I hear my baby’s voice.

  “Ellie, sweetheart. Are you okay?”

  I blink as a single tear falls onto my cheek. I miss her terribly.

  “I’m good Mum. Listen I can’t talk long. We are on our way to Edinburgh.” She sounds happy and animated.

  “Flossie is on stage this weekend so we are all going to support him.”

  Flossie is the nickname she gives her best friend, they have been kindred spirits since their first day of Uni, and he spends a lot of his time here with us.

  “Give him my love won’t you.” I say with affection. “I’m sure he will be incredible as always.”

  “Will do. Got to dash Mum.”

  She is rushing to get off of the phone.

  “Have fun sweetheart. I love you.” I tell her.

  “Love you more Mum.”

  She hangs up and I sit there holding the receiver in my hand. I let the tears fall as I realise just how lonely I have become.

  I busy myself for the rest of the day by cleaning.

  I always clean when there is something upsetting me.

  It helps me to focus. Or forget. Whichever is required at that time.

  By the time 6pm rolls around the whole house is glistening like a shiny new pin, my bath is running and Adam’s favourite black and white dress is laid out on my bed.

  I switch on the stereo system and head for the master suite. It’s a huge airy room with lots of windows. They are dressed with white voile drapes which are billowing in the breeze as I walk into the dressing room to choose my shoes.

  I place them by the bed, adding my underwear and stockings to the pile before stripping of and climbing into the luxurious bubbles that await me.

  I slip down under the water and stay there for a moment. I try not to think about my discovery earlier but it just keeps popping back into my head and I have absolutely no idea how to deal with it.

  I lift myself out of the water and wash my hair. My movements are mechanical. I am still in a daze.

  At just before 7pm I’m ready and sitting by the window waiting for Adam to come home.

  He pulls onto the drive a few minutes later. I watch him as he picks his briefcase up off the passenger seat and climbs out of the car. He is an attractive man. He is, of course, tall dark and handsome. Always clean shaven and dressed in a suit. His shoes are always polished to a shine and he takes pride in his appearance. You would never see him in a pair of jeans or trainers.

  He looks over to the window as he walks to the front door. He smiles and raises his hand at me.

  “Hi Honey I’m home!” He calls out with a laugh as he comes through the door. He has done it for years. He always has the same greeting. It was endearing previously but today I don’t find it particularly cute.

  I stand and wait for him to come into the lounge.

  “Change of plan Darling.” He calls from the hallway. “Let me just get changed and we will be off.”

  I hear him climb the stairs, two at a time.

  I hope he isn’t going to announce that we are meeting anyone. I don’t think I can cope with anyone else this evening. I know I’m going to have to speak to him at some point and I cannot do that if we are not alone.

  He comes back downstairs in a fresh suit and tie, different shoes and smelling of aftershave. He approaches me and leans in to kiss me. I turn slightly so that his lips press onto my cheek...

  “Are you okay?” He asks stepping back slightly with a puzzled look on his face.

  “I’m fine.” I retort a little too quickly.

  “Are you sure sweetheart? You don’t look okay.”

  He touched my cheek tenderly. I really didn’t want to deal with him being nice to me just now. How could he when he clearly didn’t want to be with me anymore?

  “I’m fine.” I gave a half smile in an attempt to stop him asking questions. “So...Where are we going then?”

  He smiled. I couldn’t see anything different in his face and it was so confusing.

  “We are going to Max’.” He told me. “I called him earlier and he has squeezed us in.”

  Max’ was my favourite restaurant and was owned by my best friend. We have been friends since high school and I loved him with all of my heart. I hadn’t seen him for ages and Adam knew that so it was really quite sweet of him to do this.

  “Thank you Adam.” I said.

  I meant it too. He could be an absolute darling which was why this whole situation was so upsetting.

  Max greeted us with a huge smile and the best table in the house. He came back to our table several times and when we had finished eating, he brought a carafe of my favourite red and sat with us.

  “So, how’s my favourite fabulous 40 year old milf?” He asked with a laugh.

  “Fuck off Max.” I told him but I was laughing too.

  “Well that’s just charming... I’m putting you in the shit seats next time.” He winked.

  “Max. There are NO shit seats in your restaurant.” I told him and squeezed his arm.

  Adam excused himself to go to the bathroom and Max took my hand in his.

  “Something isn’t right Elise. Won’t you tell me what’s wrong?”

  He was so genuine and lovely and I was lucky to have him as a friend.

  “I’m okay.” I told him. “But it has been far too long. We HAVE to catch up and soon.”

  “I will call you. You can come in and have lunch with me next week. We can talk.” He looked at me with concern in his eyes.

  “That will be lovely.” I replied.

  “What will be lovely?” asked Adam as he returned.

  “I’m stealing your wife next week for lunch, no husbands allowed.” Max told him. Then he stood up and headed back for the kitchen.

  Adam smiled.

  “That will be nice. Its ages since you and Max spent any real time together.”

  He held his hand out to me and I stood. He led me to the door stopping by the bar to hand his card to the waitress. She took payment quickly and handed his card back to him. He gave her a dazzling smile before we left the restaurant.

  On arrival at home, he took off his tie and unbuttoned his shirt. I stood watching him as he unfastened his cuff links and rolled his shirt sleeves up. He turned and caught me watching him. He smiled at me.

  “What?” he asked.

  I took a breath in. I stepped towards him and pressed myself against him.

  “Thank you for tonight.” I wrapped my arms around him. “Shall we go to bed?” I looked up at him in anticipation of his reply.

  He kissed me on the tip of my nose, before saying

  “That sounds like an amazing idea.” He sighed. “But I have work to do.” He stepped away from me. “You go ahead. I will be up in a while.” And with that he turned and went into the office closing the door behind me.

  My shoulders sagged and I felt deflated.

  This was it then? The end of our marriage? I couldn’t see it any other way right now.

  I took myself to bed with a heavy heart and lay under the covers.

  Alone.

  All alone.

  Chapter 2

  I woke with a start. It was very early and I could feel Adam laid next to me. I turned to look at him. He was flat out, his chest rising and falling with each deep breath he took. I used to look at him with adoration as he slept but today I was only filled with sadness as I wondered what would happen to us now.

  I slipped out of bed quietly and went into the bathroom. I quickly brushed my teeth and
splashed ice cold water on my face. I scraped my hair up into a high ponytail, and grabbed my shorts, vest and some underwear from the dressing room.

  I slipped my running shoes on in the hallway and let myself out of the house.

  I stuck my earphones in and turned up the volume on my music player. Green Day blasted out as I turned out of the drive and across the road. I was headed for the park and I hoped that none of the other joggers would be out yet seeing as it was only 4.30am.

  I went at a steady pace till I reached the park gates then I picked up speed and sprinted a full lap. As I approached the gates again I saw another runner. He was well over six feet tall and very well toned. His muscles rippled beneath the fabric of his t shirt. He turned onto the path ahead of me and I fell into a steady pace again right behind him. I watched as his thigh muscles contracted with every step he took. He really was an amazing sight for sore eyes.

  I shook my head at myself and picked up speed again, passing by the Adonis and leaving him in my dust clouds. I concentrated on the music and focused on my heart beat. With every pounding step I kept my breathing steady so as not to tire myself out.

  I was really hitting it hard. I thought if I could just run, I would forget what had been going on at home. I needed to get it out of my head before it took over. It wasn’t so bad right? I mean. It could have been worse. He could have been having an affair. Oh God! What if he IS having an affair and that’s why he doesn’t get turned on by me anymore.

  I was tormenting myself now. I tried to pick up my speed even more, I turned the volume of my music up a notch and I ran like the wind in an attempt to forget.

  That was when the searing pain hit me. My leg literally stopped working and I slowed to a limp. I had cramp in my calf muscle and it was excruciating.

  Just run through it. I told myself. It will stop hurting eventually. You have put up with worse. You have given birth twice without pain relief. Surely a bit of cramp isn’t going to hold you back?

  I kept going and managed another fifty yards or so before my calf muscle was screaming at me to stop. I fell to the floor and felt the tears on my cheeks as I massaged my calf furiously.

  I was suddenly aware of someone crouching down next to me.